(Definitely Not) Love In An Elevator

So this morning, I step into the elevator going up to the office with two other guys. We each push a button for the floors we were headed to. I thought that the ride would be fairly quick since the elevator would only be making two stops before my own.

As the doors were closing, a hand extends from the outside cutting the gap and activating the sensors. The doors open and this asshole rushes in. Great, I thought. Doesn’t he realize that this is not the only fucking elevator in the entire goddamn building? Couldn’t he have waited for the next elevator? I mean we have a total of four elevators servicing the floors on our side of the building, why the fuck would he insist on going on the one which is obviously about to go up?

Okay, so maybe the guy’s in hurry and he couldn’t spare the one minute (at the most) to wait for the next elevator. The story should have ended right there but, wouldn’t you know it, another fucking asshole walks in right after the guy. Now, Asshole No. 2 walks into the elevator as right as rain and without a care in the world. Why wouldn’t he? Asshole No. 1 already did the hard part with his Moses-like parting of the two doors.

If I hated Asshole No. 1’s guts then I hated Asshole No. 2’s twice as much. At least Asshole No. 1 made a show of his urgency to get inside the elevator, but fucking Asshole No. 2? He only took advantage of the opportunity made possible by asshole no. 1. He wasn’t even in a hurry. In fact, Asshole No. 2 made it seem like the only reason why the four of us were all gathered in that one place at that one time was so he could get on the goddamn elevator. I could have killed fucking Asshole No. 2 at that very moment if I only knew the secret to Bruce Lee’s lethal one-inch punch to the heart.

And so we were on our way. All five of us have pushed the buttons for five floors. Cruel fate deemed it that not even one of us would be getting off on the same floor as another. Five fucking stops. What the fuck?

Then, an all-too familiar sound breaks the silence – the ding goes off which warns that the elevator is stopping at a floor. Give me a fucking break, I thought.

Asshole No. 3 walks into the elevator, checks the five buttons which have already been pressed and pushes a new one! B-E-A-yutiful!

So now the elevator drops off the four assholes at their respective floors and only me and one other guy are left. The elevator dings to a stop again and a woman-messenger wearing a uniform gets in and, claro que si, presses a new button. This time, the woman is only going one floor up. ONE FLOOR UP. What’s the matter lady? Too fucking lazy to walk up two flights of stairs? Could that be why you’re still a messenger? Because you feel you have to ride the elevator to go up one fucking floor?

When I finally reach my floor, I walked out the elevator and got down on my knees. I then kissed the floor with the fervor of an explorer after finding El Dorado. It seemed the right thing to do after making nine goddamn stops to get there.

Sansu

The rally yesterday held in Makati stirred things up at the office because it was happening exactly downstairs where we are. All the staff with cars parked in the basement were advised to get off work early or else face the prospect of waiting for the crowd to clear as all access to the building have been closed.

Fucking shit. I had to stay until seven because I was trying to figure out the computation for the allocation percentage of these convertible bon...yadda, yadda, yadda. It's actually okay. I just walk to and from the office now as my humble abode is just spitting distance. I can see my building from my boss' office.

When I was crossing Ayala Avenue on my walk home, I decided to make usi and see what was happening with the anti-Gloria rally. I walked in the direction of the Ninoy monument at the intersection of Ayala Avenue and Paseo de Roxas because that's where the stage was. The crowd parked at the side of The Enterprise building wasn't that dense and so I got a fairly decent view of the stage.

There were three people on it but for the life of me I couldn't figure out who these fuckers were. There was the ugly and noisy guy who sounded like Bayani Agbayani, the fat chick in the white blouse, and an old guy. The creep next to me said to his companion, "Yun si Pip, di ba?" Aha. So Tirso Cruz the Turd's the old guy.

I didn't have to stand too long amidst all that body heat radiating from the crowd of people when ugly and noisy guy announces that Susan Roces herself was coming up to the stage to give her speech. Perfect, I said, I'll walk home after Sansu opens another can of anti-GMA whoop ass.

One minute passes by and still no Susan. Ugly and noisy guy and Pip kept repeating that there too many people blocking Sansu's approach that it may take a little time. Meanwhile, Rico J. Puno, Goma, Cheese Escudero, and JesusJosephMary Binay are up already up there on the stage.

Rico J. goes, "Yung mga Hapon galit na sa atin Filipino! Kasi raw yung Hello Kitty tinalo na ng Hello Garci!" The guy next to me thinks this is really funny that he repeats it to his friend who is standing next to him and who obviously heard it too considering less than a second had passed since the same sound waves from the stage hit both of their ears.

Finally after a long-ass while, Sansu manages to clamber up the stage. She's in white (well, all the people on stage are wearing white by the way) and looks every bit the movie star that she is. Sansu goes to all the corners of the stage to wave to the great unwashed. The girl next to me goes, "Ang bait niya, kinawayan ako." Ah yeah, get hold of that fucking moment and take it to the bank. It'll earn you enough interest to buy a packet of Lucky Me instant lomi.

To my disappointment, Sansu gives a really boring speech about the youth not being be able to learn from those people in power who should know better not to cheat. What the fuck? What's with the mellow yellow, man? Are you on Codeine or something? What happened to YOU STOLE THE PRESIDENCY NOT ONCE...BUT TWICE, BEE-YATCH! (I paraphrase as there was a word or two I added there for dramatic effect) I thought she was gonna be all like, "I hope you choke on Mike D_______r's c__k when you suck it tonight!" Rats, no such thing was said. Instead, Sansu just droned on about the "kabataan." Hey lady, you know what the future of our motherland engage in during their free time? They smoke pot and have sex while recording everything with their camera phones, that's what.

As soon as Sansu's short speech ended, I walked home. I passed by this kid selling Gloria Resign mugs for PHP35 a pop. I bargained the price down to three for a hundred.

When I got home, the news channel was still broadcasting the rally live. I gave it a few minutes and found out that ugly and noisy guy is actually Joel Llamangan and the fat lady wearing the white blouse is Lorna T.

So if you see pictures of the big crowd in today's paper, that's me right there -- that guy who seems pissed that he's attended one too many of these fucking rallies.

Bea and the Beast

Nothing that's happened in my life for the past month or so has been worth writing about. I know. There should be plenty of fodder for any writer to feed his creative juices on especially with all the shit that's been happening in the realm of Philippine Presidential politics. I don't think GMA should resign right now but those accusations of cheating raised against her should be investigated. If she's found guilty, then, by all means punish her sorry ass. Just don't let her off the hook by resigning.

So what made me dust off this overall ennui which I've apparently been afflicted with and start updating this blog again? Of course it's about a girl. Her name's Bea and she works in the same building that I do in Makati.

Let me be frank. I'm in love with Bea. I know this because I turn into a total retard when I see her. I don't know what to say when I'm around her. My mind goes completely blank. I have all sorts of foreign objects in my body in Bea's proximity: lump in my throat, butterflies in my stomach, gerbil up my ass -- oops, wrong blog entry.

This morning, I saw Bea waiting for the elevator ride up. I've memorized the whole conversation we had. And this is how it went:

Bea: “Hi!”

Me: “Hi! How are you? How you doing?”

Bea: “I’m okay.”

Me: “Why? Because there’s a rally?”

Bea: “Yes, work might be cut early.”

Me: “That wasn’t the answer I was expecting from you.”

Bea: “What? You thought I was going to say that I was joining the rally?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bea and I are inside the elevator now. The other passengers are ciphers to me. They do not exist. It’s just Bea and me in a different plane of existence where perfection rules with the tender arms of a blind masseuse.

Me: “How are you?” (Again. I’m a fucking asshole for repeating this question a third time)

Bea: “Busy. You know how the market is. You’re from (my bank) right?”

Me: “Yup.”

Mia: “What department do you work in?”

Me: "C______."

Uncomfortable silence ensues. I’m thinking of a topic to talk about. Preferably something which would lead me to tell her that I was in Europe last year because, honestly, this is the only interesting thing about me – that I’ve been there. Seconds pass. Both of us are looking at what’s ahead of us. Is she thinking of what to talk about too?

Then she says, “I’m surprised there’s no traffic. I left the house at 8:30.”

Me: “Did you pass by EDSA?”

Bea: “Yes but there was no traffic.”

Me: “I just walk to work.”

Bea: “That’s good exercise.”

The doors have opened and she starts to get out of the elevator.

Me: “But I live in Alabang!”

The doors close to the sound of her sweet laugh.

I love this day.